I wanted pretty lilacs and orchids I
Could sway away in lakes but
You wanted big red roses with
Thorns that paint my hands
In the colours of deep crimson reds.
I wanted exquisite nets, and chiffons
And silks, but you
Like polyesters and cottons and threads
Entwined with golds and beads in steps.
I wanted a dark maroon, or a
Beautiful mauve, yet you gave me
Peaches and lime and a kind of
Green I could never really explain.
I wanted grapes and mangoes
We could eat on a hot summer’s day but
You gave me melons
And pears that were far too big for
My fragile hands to hold and share.
When I wanted you, and solely you
You gave me everything else instead.
The month of blessings, of mercy, of faith and love starts from tomorrow( or the day after?).The month precedes anticipations in every home, preparations and shopping like a maniac.In an era where we are connected to our super fast 3G and 4g-S every second for the day, and living without our TV seems next to impossible, it is really commendable to see people focus on what really matters.
The festiveness that this month offers could very easily overshadow its meaning and purpose. I find myself learning something new about myself and this world every year, and I feel giddy and excited every time I think of what this one has to offer.
Questions are many and so are self doubts. But more than anything, Ramadan if the month of self assessment and it is interesting to know that a month later I’ll be a changed, peaceful and a bit more satisfied as a person.
Are you aware of the time we spent together, too long but so short?
Do you remember the laughs we had? Had you really laughed. Was there meaning, was there hope for you.
Do you remember the fun; how surreal it all was.
It was a mirage. It was too beautiful, and too painful.
It was a combination of happiness and sadness.
I found loneliness in your company.
Do you remember the simpler times. Do you take some time of your exciting life to remember the boredom I bought.
Do you miss how we were stagnant, how we were mesmerised to stillness.
I me myself. That’s what I usually talk about on my blog right?
Initially I started my blog and named it come out positive because I genuinely believed that positivity was the one thing that could completely change my life. Now I look back and cringe, because I really wasn’t very negative then. Yes I didn’t take everything in my stride really, and I struggled with a lot of things; but deep down I didn’t doubt myself that much.
The problem was I really was surrounded by negative people, who belittled me and made me feel bad about myself. It’s weird because I’m known as the friend who gives people pep talks, I’ve even talked to strangers and helped them. So somehow I always know what to tell other people to cheer them up, but in my case either I judged myself too harshly, or the people in my life did.
I’m more neutral now, and positivity is sometimes very apparent in my life. I changed a lot of things, I changed a lot of people. But most importantly I’ve learned how to relax(haha). I truly believe that my grades DO NOT DEFINE ME as a person now.
There is this joke that your moms gonna call you beautiful even if you look like a shrunken donut or something. And it’s true, because even if you are a shrunken donut you are still sweet and still donuty(now I’m speaking utter nonsense)
Anyway parents find your beauty and they give you positivity at times when you really can not find it yourself. They are the ones who help you stand up, and struggle with you whilst doing so.
So in the past almost one year, I learned only how to understand negativity and negative people and how to stay away from their influence (aka how to ignore them). I might still be far off from positivity. It’s a learning process,yes, and looks like I’ll be learning my entire life.
It’s funny how being sad has become such an integral part of me. I always prided the fact that I thought and introspected a lot, and by a lot I mean literally 24X7 thinking of all the things I did wrong, why, what was the result and blah it went on.
A lot of people think introspecting is bad, and that regret is for ‘losers’. I’ve seen quotes saying “don’t regret anything” and I believe it to be completely wrong. Regret. Please do. You are human, you will feel. You will feel happy, joyful, sad, angry, sulky, guilty. The fundamental unit of humans should be feelings. That’s what making us different and not some kind of an animal.
I think being sad is a kind of responsibility that I have thrust upon myself. At a younger age I have seen what being insensitive and irrational had done to me, and to people around me. Sadness makes me question myself, makes me somehow a better person. This alone time is needed, this pondering is needed. So don’t feel wrong if you’re sad, or you are guilty for your past mistakes. It might just make you a wonderful person.
And as for me, it did change me, it did change my behavior, but only for the good. Sadness didn’t make me bitter; it made me better.
2015 was full of happiness and sadness. Extremeness . I learnt so so much and I had so many different experiences. This was by far my most fruitful year, I got closer to my family, to my mother. I understood the value of friendship, what being a friend meant and thankfully removed some toxic friends completely out of the system.
I could write a book for all the things I went through in 2015. There were and are a lot of problems. I’m standing on the steps of choosing my entire life, my career and I can’t help but think if 30 years from now I’ll curse this year or smile fondly at it. Choosing my profession has been the hardest decision of my life, because there’s just too many choices. I understood that I’m actually good at a lot of things and there’s nothing bad in accepting that. I like a lot of things too. I’ve always worked great under pressure and am always up for a challenge( sounds like I’m trying to impress some interviewer).
In a world where all my batch mates seem pretty focused and gasp when I say I haven’t decided on what to do, I have crumpled too. It might be easy for me to perform under pressure, but it’s clearly not working when it comes to making a final decision.
I like to think that the guy up there is thinking of a minutely designed plan for me, and that when I finally look at the larger picture next time this year, I’ll get it. I’ll finally understand why I was so indecisive, why I wanted to be everybody, and what exactly am I made of.
But until then, I need to work for it. I need to work for whatever is my destiny.
Introspect-2015 is a 5-7 part series that I’ll be doing towards the end of this year, realising sharing and analysing all that I’ve lost and I’ve gained.
This is probably my most real and closer to reality post yet. I mean if you knew me personally, and you read all my posts, there’s a big chance that you couldn’t figure out any connection between my life and my posts.
They are more philosophical, more like the ideas my brain makes up. And it’s not like I’m discussing them with anyone, so yeah the blog me and the me me would probably be poles apart.
The thing is I know it’s like normal to stress over exams, very normal. But my finals are two months away and I’m just stressing like an idiot. It would have been better if I actually got something out of all this stress; all I’m doing is pretty much looking at my books and going “oh my god what am I gonna do.”
That’s it. That’s literally it.
Okay, so all us writers know very well about writers block, and I think I’m having a “study block” kind of moment. Except it’s lasting for more than a moment, and I am loosing valuable time I could use to mug up?!!
Sorry for a very awfully written rant, but some things really do need to get out my system. Maybe more posts like these will follow, maybe not. Who knows anything anyway.
If I actually pass and get good grades, I am giving you all a party. A virtual party.
Time is going to lapse away. It keeps slipping- years, deaths, births, sorrow, burials, debris. Everything is changing, it’s fast, it’s dizzy, it’s making my head spin. But the fastness couldn’t matter, it couldn’t falter the beauty of it. Everything’s messy in a way; everything’s messy anyway.